June Letter

Hello!

This letter was written from my lounge on a rainy Saturday in Clovelly. I usually write these letters to myself in my journal each month, as a recount of what the previous weeks were for me, and as a hopeful expression toward the month ahead. I was inspired by Maggie Mackellar’s “Farm Diaries” series that she writes for Graziher, where – as a sheep farmer in Tasmania – she writes about the shifts in seasons both on her land and in her life. You can smell the Tasmanian air in her writing as it embraces you, permitting you a break from the city.

Many of you know I’m completing a PhD under the Translational Health Research Institute at WSU. As a somewhat creative writer, any hint of prose was quickly sifted out of me when I began this doctorate. Yet, something happened this month that made me deeply realise just how much I missed that Part of myself. So here I am, outside of the pages of my journal, itching to share it.

The clue is in the first sentence. I’m on my lounge. Pillows and doona included. An act that until this point would have brought me immense discomfort.

“All day!? You’re just going to wrap yourself on the lounge for the whole day!? Are you going to do any work? Any organisation? Any anything?” a particular Part of me swoops.

(A note to the reader: Yes, I am indeed working by writing this. Baby steps. Plus, I’m having fun.)

“Yep. All day. And maybe even tomorrow. And maybe even Monday. If we feel like it.” another Part grins.

She knows what she wants, that second Part of me. And, finally, she has made it happen. Kicking and screaming were involved, yes, but we got here in the end and damn it feels good.

I’ll tell you what all this means.

This month, a lot has happened for me. It began with a conference trip to Melbourne where I presented the pilot study to my research in front of the most inspiring group of people working in the health, medicine, and mental health space; but the nerves were real. We flew back and that night moved all our furniture and things into our new apartment in Clovelly. Over the next few weekends of moving, painting, organising, and rearranging, I started to notice myself feeling unsettled – had we made the wrong decision? 

Moving house, along with running a business, seeing clients, teaching, and doing a PhD was too much. I began to feel the scorched arms of burnout blacken over me; yet, instead of slowing down, I decided the best and only option was to book in yoga classes every day at 6am and become a runner and join a gym and jump in the ocean before the yoga classes and commit to three self-hypnosis sessions a day and maybe I should just start drinking protein powder again and quit alcohol and move to the country or maybe rural Spain or a monastery or hike the PCT and then everything will be fine and I can stop self-sabotaging and actually enjoy the lovely life I have. Great. Excellent.

The rigidity of my must-self-actualise-now plans backfired, and on Monday evening I had a panic attack.

In other words:

So here we are. On my lounge. With the rain and my doona and my laptop and a very good lesson to tell (am I Carrie Bradshaw?).

Would it feel better to stop punishing yourself?

You’re feeling a feeling, and then you’re feeling feelings about that feeling. I’m going to take a guess and say those feelings about the feeling feel like shit. They’re the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment, the frustration, the disappointment, the I’m-so-sorry. Whoever that Part is, ask them if they can gently step aside for a moment. Tell them they’ve done so much good and hard work trying to protect you, but we just want a little rest at the moment to see if there’s another, easier, way of moving beyond this challenge. Ask them if that’s ok. Maybe they say no, maybe they scream, maybe they understand, even for a second. Underneath all of that, there’s just the feeling. That is who wants to be heard. The exhaustion. The fear. The helplessness. The trembling. The I-want-to-give-up. The I-give-up.

Give them space.

I bet that Part of you absolutely does not want to be doing a 5am 5k for the sake of “healing.” Ask them what they want to do. Sit down, kneel down, and be with them for a moment instead.

I want to (almost) leave you with something you may have already read, but with creativity in mind, here is Mary Oliver’s “Wild Geese”

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

New Client Sessions

I am so sorry about the length of time my books have been closed to new clients. I did not expect myself or this practice of mine to get this busy. Something exciting though is that I have brought on another therapist who is truly exceptional: Lucienne.

We both have realised we are basically the same person, except she has more tattoos than I do. She is a truly remarkable therapist whose work is very aligned to mine: creative, compassionate, dynamic, and integrative. 

Lucienne works with a trauma-informed approach, using her training in evidence-based therapies such as Emotion Focused Therapy, person-centred therapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy, and mindfulness. In her own therapy, Lucienne has worked closely with a student of Gabor Maté, and has found a greater sense of peace through Internal Family Systems (IFS), Parts work and Gestalt-based therapies, that have in turn influenced the way she works to support her clients.

If you're looking for deep support and understanding, but also lightness and creativity, Lucienne is the therapist for you. Find her here.

New Booking System

If you're a new client or an existing client, you're welcome to find our new booking system here where you can see both my full calendar and Lucienne's. 

If you don't see a time that fits, would like to be added to the waitlist for an earlier session, or if you would love a telehealth session, feel free to email US and we can find a time together. 

Some Time Off

I'll be away for a few days from the 25th of June until the 3rd of July. My first day back seeing clients is on the 9th of July, though I see that week is already booked! If you're in need of an urgent session, please reach out and let me know. I will have support options listed in my automatic email response when I am away if you need.

Let me know if you have any questions at all.

With care,

Megan